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How To Love Your Kids More Than You Hate That Man - Kim Miller
How To Love Your Kids More Than You Hate That Man
Kim Miller
Lulu.com
ISBN: 9780979389818
Reviewed By Karynda Lewis
Official Apex Reviews Rating:
Kim Miller doesn't profess to be a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or even a certified childcare expert, but after reading How To Love Your Kids More Than You Hate That Man, you quickly realize that official titles matter little when it comes to telling the plain old truth.
Miller's cautionary tale begins with a recounting of her own experiences with marriage, divorce, and subsequent custodial battles for her kids. Her courtship and early marriage years were a dream, but her eventual divorce and parental drama were an absolute nightmare. Shocked to discover the deceit of her lying, cheating husband, Miller struggled with numerous issues surrounding custody of their two children: should she withhold them from him to punish him for his misdeeds? Should she talk badly about him in front of them? Should she seek the help of law enforcement in protecting them from his influence?
Understandably, she could hardly be faulted for wanting to keep her children as far away from her philandering husband as possible, but she knew that doing so would unfairly punish both him and them; after all, they were innocent of his transgressions, and depriving them of a relationship with their father would only hamper their growth and development in the long run. As a result, hard though it was, she circumvented her own personal pain and ensured that the lines of communication and access between her husband and their children remained secure.
And, thus, therein lies the crucial lesson of Miller's tale: parents need to maintain constant vigilance over the healthy upbringing that their children deserve - even if it means forcing themselves to realize that some of their choices cause more harm than good. Through personal anecdotes and general life lessons, Miller does an admirable job of providing a step-by-step guide for parents to keep their children's best interests at heart. Along the way, she acknowledges that taking such steps won't be easy, but it is essential if they want their kids to grow into mature, well-balanced adults.
Miller even goes so far as to provide quite accurate "labels" to help parents identify themselves and their particular approaches to parenting, including everything from the self-serving "Destroyer" to the quietly damaging "Chameleon." In reading her dead-on descriptions of each, you may find yourself surprised to discover the truth of your own approach.
Given that she's a woman, you might assume that Miller would automatically side with other women and use her narrative as propaganda against the typical trifling, dead-beat dad - but she does a standout job of recognizing the complexities of broken relationships, highlighting the roles that both parties play in complicating matters unnecessarily. In doing so, she holds up a unisex mirror for both mothers and fathers to use in accepting responsibility for the roles that each play in causing potential problems for their kids.
In this age of "me-first" relationship politics, bungled priorities, and child support-as-revenge, How To Love Your Kids More Than You Hate That Man is a refreshing reminder of what should really come first in our daily lives. A definite must-read!
Official Apex Reviews Interview: Kim Miller (How To Love Your Kids More Than You Hate That Man)
Apex Reviews: Thanks for joining us for this interview, Kim. We truly appreciate it.
How did you settle on the title?
Kim Miller: I was trying to find a title that would encompasses the point of the book. I kept running different ones through my head and finally this one popped in my head. I knew immediately that it was the perfect one. That's generally how I choose something, I pray on it and when it feels right I go with it.
AR: The experiences that you went through with your ex-husband are truly heart breaking, especially how he betrayed your trust over and over again. Was it your love for your kids that made you keep taking him back?
KM: Yes, I kept giving him chances because of the kids. I actually thought they deserved as many attempts as I could stomach. I kept thinking that they deserve two parents, after all they did not ask for this. Ultimately, I found out that in order to make my kids happy I had to make sure that their mom was happy. Not to mention I had no trust whatsoever so I had to end it. You have to have a foundation to build something on and we just did not have it.
AR: Why do you think people insist on using their kids as pawns for control in their power struggles with spouses/mates?
KM: People use their children as pawns because most loving parents care about their children the most and that is the quickest way to "get to them". Also this makes the offending parent impossible to ignore. You have to address the issue and they get the attention and focus that they want so they can make whatever point that they desire.
AR: In keeping with that theme, how do you think the issue of child support-as-revenge can ever be resolved?
KM: First, I believe the non-custodial parent should pay child support. Money is important and necessary in order to care for children, I clearly get that, but the purpose of child support has been skewed. It was never meant to be used as a weapon or a tool to manipulate the system. There are times when things happen that are totally out of your control: lay offs, closures, etc... A child should not be penalized for something they had nothing to do with. If parents looked at it that way then I think I could change their view. Simply put, don't punish the innocent ones.
AR: Explain for our readers what a "Chameleon" is.
KM: A "Chameleon" is a mom who is lead by her ex. She does not have an independent thought. It is all about what he wants. She makes him the center of her life (even though they are no longer together) and basically lives her life based on what he wants.
AR: How many "Destroyers" do you know personally?
KM: I personally know at least 2 "Destroyers". They have been so malicious. The first one really was something. When she separated from her ex she told him that he would never see the kids again. Instead of never he was unable to see them for about 12 years, at that point it changed only because she was having trouble with the children. The second "Destroyer" has made life difficult all around. She has stated complete lies to her children about her ex and unfortunately even today they believe those stories that she told them. She continues to "alter" stories so that she appears to be the caring, good parent.
AR: How do you think parents who abuse their spouses are able to prevent themselves from ever harming their children in the same way?
KM: I honestly can't understand the whole abuse issue. I don't understand people abusing people in any form but I really can't fathom someone abusing a child. What the abusers don't get is, if you abuse your child's mother than you are abusing them. They need her. She helps form who they are. She exhibits what is acceptable in life. The same goes for women. If you abuse the person that your child looks up to for strength then you change who they are. If you hit their dad because you know he will not retaliate then you are teaching your child how to be a bully. There also has been several instances of abusers influencing their children's behavior to such a degree that they later become abusers themselves.
AR: The points you raise in the book are very instructional. Have you considered teaching workshops or becoming a counselor?
KM: I plan to do seminars in the future. I want to touch as many lives as possible. Right now I am hosting an internet radio show called Relationships From All Sides at TITTPtalkradio, that has been very uplifting.
AR: What's the main message you want readers to take from your book?
KM: The main message I want readers to get is it is never to late to make a change in your life, for the better. Parents make errors because we are human but the good thing is once we turn things around the whole family benefits.
AR: What will your next writing project be?
KM: I am writing a book of poetry. I love poetry that really gets you thinking. I am also working on a book about managing people. I want the work environment to improve too.
AR: Thanks again, Kim, and best of continued success to you in all your endeavors!
Kim Miller
Lulu.com
ISBN: 9780979389818
Reviewed By Karynda Lewis
Official Apex Reviews Rating:
Kim Miller doesn't profess to be a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or even a certified childcare expert, but after reading How To Love Your Kids More Than You Hate That Man, you quickly realize that official titles matter little when it comes to telling the plain old truth.
Miller's cautionary tale begins with a recounting of her own experiences with marriage, divorce, and subsequent custodial battles for her kids. Her courtship and early marriage years were a dream, but her eventual divorce and parental drama were an absolute nightmare. Shocked to discover the deceit of her lying, cheating husband, Miller struggled with numerous issues surrounding custody of their two children: should she withhold them from him to punish him for his misdeeds? Should she talk badly about him in front of them? Should she seek the help of law enforcement in protecting them from his influence?
Understandably, she could hardly be faulted for wanting to keep her children as far away from her philandering husband as possible, but she knew that doing so would unfairly punish both him and them; after all, they were innocent of his transgressions, and depriving them of a relationship with their father would only hamper their growth and development in the long run. As a result, hard though it was, she circumvented her own personal pain and ensured that the lines of communication and access between her husband and their children remained secure.
And, thus, therein lies the crucial lesson of Miller's tale: parents need to maintain constant vigilance over the healthy upbringing that their children deserve - even if it means forcing themselves to realize that some of their choices cause more harm than good. Through personal anecdotes and general life lessons, Miller does an admirable job of providing a step-by-step guide for parents to keep their children's best interests at heart. Along the way, she acknowledges that taking such steps won't be easy, but it is essential if they want their kids to grow into mature, well-balanced adults.
Miller even goes so far as to provide quite accurate "labels" to help parents identify themselves and their particular approaches to parenting, including everything from the self-serving "Destroyer" to the quietly damaging "Chameleon." In reading her dead-on descriptions of each, you may find yourself surprised to discover the truth of your own approach.
Given that she's a woman, you might assume that Miller would automatically side with other women and use her narrative as propaganda against the typical trifling, dead-beat dad - but she does a standout job of recognizing the complexities of broken relationships, highlighting the roles that both parties play in complicating matters unnecessarily. In doing so, she holds up a unisex mirror for both mothers and fathers to use in accepting responsibility for the roles that each play in causing potential problems for their kids.
In this age of "me-first" relationship politics, bungled priorities, and child support-as-revenge, How To Love Your Kids More Than You Hate That Man is a refreshing reminder of what should really come first in our daily lives. A definite must-read!
Official Apex Reviews Interview: Kim Miller (How To Love Your Kids More Than You Hate That Man)
Apex Reviews: Thanks for joining us for this interview, Kim. We truly appreciate it.
How did you settle on the title?
Kim Miller: I was trying to find a title that would encompasses the point of the book. I kept running different ones through my head and finally this one popped in my head. I knew immediately that it was the perfect one. That's generally how I choose something, I pray on it and when it feels right I go with it.
AR: The experiences that you went through with your ex-husband are truly heart breaking, especially how he betrayed your trust over and over again. Was it your love for your kids that made you keep taking him back?
KM: Yes, I kept giving him chances because of the kids. I actually thought they deserved as many attempts as I could stomach. I kept thinking that they deserve two parents, after all they did not ask for this. Ultimately, I found out that in order to make my kids happy I had to make sure that their mom was happy. Not to mention I had no trust whatsoever so I had to end it. You have to have a foundation to build something on and we just did not have it.
AR: Why do you think people insist on using their kids as pawns for control in their power struggles with spouses/mates?
KM: People use their children as pawns because most loving parents care about their children the most and that is the quickest way to "get to them". Also this makes the offending parent impossible to ignore. You have to address the issue and they get the attention and focus that they want so they can make whatever point that they desire.
AR: In keeping with that theme, how do you think the issue of child support-as-revenge can ever be resolved?
KM: First, I believe the non-custodial parent should pay child support. Money is important and necessary in order to care for children, I clearly get that, but the purpose of child support has been skewed. It was never meant to be used as a weapon or a tool to manipulate the system. There are times when things happen that are totally out of your control: lay offs, closures, etc... A child should not be penalized for something they had nothing to do with. If parents looked at it that way then I think I could change their view. Simply put, don't punish the innocent ones.
AR: Explain for our readers what a "Chameleon" is.
KM: A "Chameleon" is a mom who is lead by her ex. She does not have an independent thought. It is all about what he wants. She makes him the center of her life (even though they are no longer together) and basically lives her life based on what he wants.
AR: How many "Destroyers" do you know personally?
KM: I personally know at least 2 "Destroyers". They have been so malicious. The first one really was something. When she separated from her ex she told him that he would never see the kids again. Instead of never he was unable to see them for about 12 years, at that point it changed only because she was having trouble with the children. The second "Destroyer" has made life difficult all around. She has stated complete lies to her children about her ex and unfortunately even today they believe those stories that she told them. She continues to "alter" stories so that she appears to be the caring, good parent.
AR: How do you think parents who abuse their spouses are able to prevent themselves from ever harming their children in the same way?
KM: I honestly can't understand the whole abuse issue. I don't understand people abusing people in any form but I really can't fathom someone abusing a child. What the abusers don't get is, if you abuse your child's mother than you are abusing them. They need her. She helps form who they are. She exhibits what is acceptable in life. The same goes for women. If you abuse the person that your child looks up to for strength then you change who they are. If you hit their dad because you know he will not retaliate then you are teaching your child how to be a bully. There also has been several instances of abusers influencing their children's behavior to such a degree that they later become abusers themselves.
AR: The points you raise in the book are very instructional. Have you considered teaching workshops or becoming a counselor?
KM: I plan to do seminars in the future. I want to touch as many lives as possible. Right now I am hosting an internet radio show called Relationships From All Sides at TITTPtalkradio, that has been very uplifting.
AR: What's the main message you want readers to take from your book?
KM: The main message I want readers to get is it is never to late to make a change in your life, for the better. Parents make errors because we are human but the good thing is once we turn things around the whole family benefits.
AR: What will your next writing project be?
KM: I am writing a book of poetry. I love poetry that really gets you thinking. I am also working on a book about managing people. I want the work environment to improve too.
AR: Thanks again, Kim, and best of continued success to you in all your endeavors!